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:iconoflird:
the rhyming is perfect,the words are right,but there's something just off about this.I understand where you're coming from in writing this,i feel your emotions but they have a stifling effect,a lacking of consistency.You can write great inspirational poems,and also of sarcastic nature,but in this emo gothic kind of genre,the feelings should go in much more deeper,i'd know because i used to listen to melodic death metal hence i've heard much more better songs/lyrics about loneliness and the unsatisfied hollow feelings of being alive.i think this could be improved and even might need a few corrections especially the last few lines.You're a good writer/poet i'll give you that,but im just not feeling this one as much as the others i've read from you so im just here to leave constructive but honest criticism frankly n i dont care if i get negative ratings on this tbh because you've got alot of fans so forgive me XD
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:iconoflird:
oflird Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Nickleback make up for their lyrics with their music,and if you can do that then i think you'll be just fine.I think if you make great music then lyrics won't matter much as long as it sounds great with the melody so good luck with whatever you're planning to do with this :)
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:iconwordofchen:
WordOfChen Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012  Professional Writer
Nah it's fine, I know that those more experienced with the genre might find this light, however it's also difficult to picture how it was playing in my head and to me I think it played well, but maybe I'd turn into another Nickleback. I don't usually do music so this is a step in this direction. Not everything will be a hit and I understand that better than anyone else, so thank you for reading and checking it out ^^

-Captain Chenbeard of the Black Fedora Pirates :iconwordofchen:
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