death

so recently i found out that my uncle died of brain hemorrhage,he was 68 i think (1944-2012).He was the richest man in our family but he was self-made since he was an orphan since childhood,only met him a few times in my life,never really knew him but one thing i knew about him was that he was an atheist and his family wasn't.So im like,idek what to say to his family,im really not sure,i haven't talked to any of his kids or wife neither have i send my condolences i dont even know what to say,i feel like i shouldn't say anything,its not like i have any contact with any of them other than facebook,and it feels shallow and pathetic to talk to people just because one of their family member is dead,i never talk to any of em and i just ughh.
He also was on facebook and the only thing i regret is that i never allowed myself to talk to him and to get to know him,i regret not talking to him on facebook,i had many things i wanted to ask him and had many topics to discuss with him,but he was such a great man,extensively knowledgeable that i guess i just got intimidated and feared that i might come off as immature and juvenile,i just.He lived far away so i never really got to see him that much,only a couple times in 5 to 6 yrs,last time i saw him was when my grandpa died and it was in 2005 i think,i dont even remember that well.
He was there,and now he's not,he's gone..he was alive and now he's just dead meat.I'm still alive,i don't know if he's just dead or living in an afterlife,honestly i have no clue what to think of death,im agnostic,so i have no clue if there's an afterlife or not.All i know is that i found out many things about stuff that i wanted to tell him.i wanted to talk to him about psychedelics and cymatics and how reality isn't real and i wanted to ask him if he knew about Fibonnachi sequence or whether he believed in aliens and alot of other stuff.He was the only atheist in our family that i knew about,most of other people in my family are religious dumbfucks,sexist,homophobic,and yes im closeted.
Because he was rich,i never talk to him 'cause i thought he might think im talking to him because i want financial favors and such things.
Im just in deep regret of not talking to him 'cause of my stupid thoughts,i feel so stupid and shitty.He's dead.just dead im here,still alive.I wonder if anyone will be thinking the same things when im dead,feeling regretful for not talking to me whilst i was alive.i wonder what'll happen when i die too,will i meet the people who're dead or will i just stop existing,it feels good to think the former to be true,but i can't fool myself i mean who am i even kidding.We like to believe what makes us feel good,whether its true or not.For us humans,happiness is greater than the truth i guess.I don't even know what to think anymore but just exist and live till death,i had been reading Dr.Albert Hoffman's lab notes and been thinking about inner genetic world he wrote about,i feel like i feel something,i know something,i feel like i should devote my life to finding out truths behind reality.I also had been suffering from existential crisis,nothing made sense,i also experience hysteria a few times while crying and i was falling apart.I just pushed all of those feelings at the back of my head and started living an indifferent life.It helped me alot.

After receiving the news of his death,i was in shock.I knew he'd die one day,all of us will,but i didn't expect him to go so soon.He was a very open minded person,very intelligent,successful and very hard working,and i wanted to follow in his footsteps,i wanted to be like him.I guess i was only fooling myself since i know i could never be any of those things.i wish i'd told him that,i wish i'd just talked to him about anything he wanted to talk about,i used to think why would he want someone like me talking to him? why would he,he certainly most definitely would not.of fucking course.I always let my insecurities get the best of me,so its my fault,all of it is.I didn't talk to anyone about these things ever! so im pouring these thoughts in the internet in poorly formed sentences and i dontteven know hwat im saying anaymore ;_;